Briggs and Louis refuse to investigate a mugging case on Christmas Day, a special offer on lager leaves a bit of a hole in the festive finances, and a weirdly kinky gift leaves Father Christmas fighting for the turkey leg.
Cottam refuses to assign new partners after an argument over a woman, a job escorting a prisoner leads to being stranded in the country, and a desperate search for a telephone leads to a farmhouse full of weird.
The police investigate the death of a man during a battle reenactment, Briggs and Louis try to think of the 19 second names of English football teams, and a search begins for a man brave enough to wear underpants.
Briggs and Louis manage to kill the last female of a rare species of turtle, a job with Drug Squad at a girls' school provides the perfect hiding place, and an art teacher tries to explain why all the young girls fancy him.
The department throw a farewell party for Cottam as he moves to traffic, Briggs and Louis get off to the worst start with the new super, and not everyone is happy when they're forced to undergo a series of tests.
Cottam's tasked with helping the commissioner's son settle quietly in, Briggs and Louis are furious when a match has to be abandoned, and the new boy jumps to the wrong conclusions about a visit to Wembley.
