Episode list

Segment 1: Message from Prickley: Rock Concert; Edith welcomes us to another fine year at SCTV. She introduces herself ("I replaced that schmo Moe Green"), and invites us to stay tuned.

Segment 2: Promo: Rhoda; Rhoda's running a clinic, and she's lost weight.

Segment 3: Promo: My Fair Lady; The Professor finds Perini a touch nut to crack. They sing the "Rain in Spain" bit.

Segment 4: Teaser: SCTV News

Segment 5: Kanadian Korner 1: Introductory Show; Bob and Doug McKenzie announce that they had to change the name to Great White North for legal reasons. They have new boots.

Segment 6: SCTV News: Earl's funblemouth; Togo blames quake on the CIA. Earl has trouble delivering his items.

Segment 7: Promo: My Life: One More Time; Woody finds someone he can relate to.

Segment 8: Lee A. Iacocca's Rock Concert; Lee asks for 1.5 billion dollars in government assistance and encourages viewers to harass their congressmen. He then complains about government regulations. He introduces Ringo's new band Rings ("Cause I know That You'll Always be True"). Lee offers a five dollar rebate and her personal guarantee to every viewer, and introduces Gino Vinelli ("Stop"). Lee introduces his daughter Imogena and also introduces Slim and Barbra ("You Don't Bring Me Flowers"). Lee once more urges viewers to write the government, then introduces George Carlin. Finally, Lee introduces Tony Orlando and sings a duet with him ("Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round a Dodge Omni"). Lee makes a final pitch.

Segment 1: Message from Guy: Thursday Night Guy complains about the plant in his office, and introduces SCTV's new hip, relevant comedy show. Segment 2: Announcement: Little House Across the Mersey Segment 3: Thursday Night Live Live from Edmonton, it's Thursday Night, SCTV's new hip, relevant comedy show, hosted by Earl Camembert. With lots of whooping and hollering, drug references and bad language. A parody of "Saturday Night Live" and "Fridays". Segment 4: Kanadian Korner 2: Doug's got his earmuffs on Doug misses the start of the show because his earmuffs are on. [Great White North] Segment 5: Promo: Dat's Da Name of Dat Tune Funky contestants name funky tunes. Segment 6: Promo: Bittman Does Dallas Bobby sings ("Abelline"), gives a stirring speech ("Remember the Alamo!"), and dances with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. "How are y'all!" Segment 7: K-Tel's Fast-Talking Playhouse: Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Harvey K-Tel presents a 2 minute version of the classic play. They finish early. Segment 8: Promo: Guy Friday Guy works for one of the most powerful women in business today. He's the man behind the woman. (Note: Guy flies Great White North Airline) Segment 9: Commercial: Half Legs For the woman in you. Segment 10: Point/Counterpoint: Alcoholism Cronkite and Brinkley discuss alcoholism. Walter runs a film of a Saturn 4 taking off.

Segment 1: Words to Live By: Rabbi Karlov; The Rabbi provides advice on dealing with gentle insults, and brings Angus out to demonstrate.

Segment 2: Teaser: SCTV News

Segment 3: Promo: Elvis 'n Costello; Songs and sketches with Elvis and Costello

Segment 4: Kanadian Korner 3: The French Problem; Separatism in Quebec and back bacon.

Segment 5: Commercial: Melba's Disco Jeans; Just zip them up and watch them dance for you.

Segment 6: SCTV News: Earl's film doesn't come up; Togo applies to come to Nebraska. Earl takes up the rest of the newscast smiling at the camera, waiting for the film of his bus race item.

Segment 7: Crazy Crafts: First Show; After 15 years off the air, Molly reviews some crafts from the past.

Segment 8: Message from Guy: Live Theatre; Guy blows away the cheap plant in his office and introduces SCTV Live Theatre.

Segment 9: SCTV Live Theatre: Death of a Salesman; Death of a Salesman, live from the Melonville Theatre. Margaret Hamilton gets knocked out by an object resembling a late 20th century stage lamp, while John clears the house when a seed pops out of his joint and starts a fire. Guy swears off live performances.

Segment 1: Promo: The Young and the Wrestling Snapper challenges Jill's boyfriend.

Segment 2: Money Talks with Brian Johns: William Douglas Brian interviews Mr. Douglas at his fabulous Bel Air home. (Theme music is 'Money' by The Leaping Lizards.)

Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 4: Calculators Bob calls the show again and explains they can't use that name unless they spell it with K's. Doug gets the camera to zoom in. They are opposed to kids using calculators in school... because they didn't get to.

Segment 4: Promo: Make Me Barf Contestants try to identify various objects without throwing up.

Segment 5: Dialing for Dollars, Part 1 Walter Cronkite, replacing Moe Green as the host, introduces the feature and talks about his controversial exit from CBS. Walter makes a call to Ted Kennedy.

Segment 6: My Factory, My Self, Part 1 Dolly is harassed by her supervisor (Mr. Adamitus) at the nuclear-powered textile factory. When she gets home, her husband Michael tells her he's leaving her. At the Veteran's hospital, where she volunteers, Biff encourages her to form a union. (Note: This is a parody of the films 'An Unmarried Woman' with Jill Clayburgh, 'Coming Home' with Jane Fonda, 'Norma Rae' with Sally Field and 'Kramer vs. Kramer' with Meryl Streep... with the nuclear reactor from 'The China Syndrome' thrown in for good measure.)

Segment 7: Dialing for Dollars, Part 2 Walter makes another call, this time to a guy who's not too thrilled to hear from him. After the movie, Walter makes some prank calls.

Segment 8: My Factory, My Self, Part 2 Michael demands his son Billy finish his dinner. Billy refuses, and reaches in the freezer for a pint of ice cream. Michael warns Billy not to open the pint nor take a bite, but Billy ignores him and does so anyway. Dolly returns to the factory to form a union. While her mother Harriet gives an inspiring talk, an explosion rocks the factory, killing Adamitus. The workers unanimously elect Dolly to replace him.

Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Communicating in Italian with Marcello Sebastiano Marcello instructs on basic hand gestures, looking at women and the evil eye.

Segment 2: Teaser: Monster Chiller Horror Theatre: Death Motel; Floyd plugs Death Motel.

Segment 3: Commercial: Bubie's Chicken Medication; Chicken soup for all ailments, from Al's bubie.

Segment 4: Kanadian Korner 5: Snow Chains; Doug has worked out the full two-part theme; he doesn't quite get around to the topic of snow chains.

Segment 5: Commercial: Edna's Back from Ronco Records; Features the song: "Killing Me Softly," "What Have They Done To My Face, Ma," "Make It an Open Casket, Cause I Might Be Coming Back," "The Night They Drove Old Edna Down."

Segment 6: Promo: Danny Eubanks: Seminarian / Rookie Cop; Danny Eubanks is a seminarian who was training to become a priest, until his father got bumped off.

Segment 7: Monster Chiller Horror Theatre: Death Motel; Floyd introduces the film and plugs his 3-D glasses ($15.95, certified checks only).

Segment 8: Death Motel, Part 1; Young newlyweds arrive at the motel, where Bruno is the bellboy. As they get ready for bed, they are being watched... (Note: the classic 3-D sound effect!)

Segment 9: Monster Chiller Horror Theatre, Part 2; Straight back to the movie. Afterward, Count Floyd's guest is Woody Tobias, Jr. They discuss Woody's father and his early career.

Segment 10: Death Motel, Part 2; Bruno arrives to turn down the bed and terrorizes the wife in the process. The husband goes for the manager, leaving Bruno with her.

Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Conversational New Yorkese with Norman Gorman; Small dogs, Walter and Dorothy, and regular coffee.

Segment 2: Commercial: Tex and Edna Boil's Organ Emporium: New Location; The Emporium has moved. Tex and Edna bring back budgies from Brazil.

Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 6: Back Bacon and Snow Chains; Bob cooks up some back bacon, while Doug's got snow chains on his feet. Doug gets the camera to zoom in.

Segment 4: Promo: Donahue: The Pope; The pope answers to a higher order.

Segment 5: 60/20; Earl hosts this hard-hitting investigative reporting program and looks into the influence of television and the media. Earl talks to Dr. Angly from the state penitentiary, who figures it's the coffee Earl's drinking. He comes back two weeks later, and sure enough, Earl's got a better handle on things. Earl next interviews detective Tulios, who blows him off. Jack Wallace turns the tables on Earl and takes over his show.

Segment 6: Message from Guy: Satellite Orbit Decaying; Guy asks for money to help get the satellite back into its proper orbit.

Segment 7: PSA: Be a Foster Boss; Give a charlady a chance.

Segment 8: The Lone Ranger Show; (This is a spoof of the Lone Ranger and The Tonight Show; Featuring Johnny Carson). The Lone Ranger does his monologue; they do the 'Visitor from the East' bit; Kip Adotta comes out with sub-standard material, gets hog-tied and branded; Wishbone comes out, and just as he's about to reveal who's responsible for rustling cattle, takes an arrow. The Ranger rushes off to investigate. (The Lone Ranger 'William Tell Overture' theme plays over the end credits.)

Woody Allen (Rick Moranis) gets writing advice and help from Bob Hope (Dave Thomas) and Bing Crosby (Joe Flaherty).

Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Conversational Scottish with Angus Crock; Phrases of the day: "Bob's your uncle." "Can I owe it to you, all I got's a fiver." "Away w'ye." "Wee beasties." "That's my marmalade."

Segment 2: Promo: Chick Monk: Roadie Marriage Counselor; Chick helps a couple get it together, saves them from a falling speaker stack and blows his amp.

Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 8: Back Packing with Beer on Ski Trips; Doug has a tip on getting your beer through snow with skis.

Segment 4: Dick Cavett: Dick Cavett; Dick's guest is Dick Cavett.

Segment 5: Gaslight, Part 1; (A spoof of the film-neoir of the same name). Cecil and the low-class maid are after Cynthia's jewels and have a plan to drive her insane. Instead, they decide to speed up the process a bit.

Segment 6: Gaslight, Part 2; Cecil and the maid have trouble knocking Cynthia off.

Segment 7: Sermonette: Father Raoul Wilson; Raoul discusses the uplifting potential of some magazines.

Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Man's Ability to Imitate with Mr. Wilcox; Ed Sullivan (shrug the shoulders) and Jimmy Stewart (forget what you are about to say) together.

Segment 2: PSA: Concerned Children for Truth In Advertising; A kid notes the discrepancy between commercials and real life.

Segment 3: Rebuttal: National Organization to Reinstate Cigarette Advertising; People really do smoke and drink while hot air ballooning.

Segment 4: Teaser: SCTV News

Segment 5: Kanadian Korner 17: Snowshoes for Spatulas; What to do when you are out in the open and you forgot your spatula for flipping the back bacon.

Segment 6: Promo: Monster Chiller Horror Theatre: The Odd Couple; Floyd plugs this week's film, The Odd Couple, where there's a neat guy and a messy guy...who drinks blood!

Segment 7: Promo: Sea Talk; Barbra Streisand's nose harpoons a passing Bermuda Chubb, Kip Adotta's air supply runs out and Lloyd stabs himself.

Segment 8: SCTV News: Earl Plugs Products; Fire at the ice pick factory. Soviets deny invading Yemen. Earl's items are blatant plugs for products (Tootsie Roll and Hertz). Floyd ends up doing him one better.

Segment 9: Comment with David Brinkley: Viletones; Brinkley (looking a little rough) reviews a Viletones concert.

Segment 10: Promo: The Invisible Man; Gerry Brown stars as the (partially) invisible man in this Francis Ford Coppola production.

Segment 11: Cooking With Marcello: Lobster Cacciatore; Marcello plugs his book about pizza folding. He tries to cook up some lobster cacciatore. The lobster escapes.

Segment 1: Promo: Shakespeare in the Park; Norman has problems with the set, and a punk in the audience.

Segment 2: Cheryl Kinsey, Traveling Sexologist; Cheryl, on a surprise house call, helps out some newlyweds with technique.

Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 19: Boom Shadows, Stuff that Bugs Us; They show the boom microphone and boom shadows. They give up on their other topic.

Segment 4: Promo: The Merv Griffin Show: Arafat, Liberace, Ferigno; Coat linings, terrorism, Merv does a number with Liberace, Loni's breasts, Hulk's makeup.

Segment 5: Message from Guy: Viewer Mail; Guy reads some letters, promotes some souvenir coins.

Segment 6: PSA: Participation; Come on Canada, it's time to get active [Note: Participation was a Canadian government program to encourage Canadians to exercise more.]

Segment 7: Promo: Flashing Eyes; Chuck grills a marathon runner and takes another shot at Gerry Brown; Mandoza comes back as a marathon swimmer. [Notes: Theme music by ELP; this show is a sequel to 4th Degree from episode 2x12.]

Segment 8: Mel's Rock Pile: Speed of Light; Mel looks at the top ten, talks to some of the kids (the Bloughs, all unrelated), while Speed of Light backs out of their gig. [Note: Mel has perfected his classic dance stance, the classic theme and set.]

Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Glamour with Veronica Swansong; Veronica has an ambitious young director to keep her feeling glamorous.

Segment 2: Message From Prickley: The Sammy Maudlin Show; Edith promotes Sammy's show.

Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 11: Miracle of Back Bacon; Doug takes over, gets the crew to join in on the theme and tells the story of the miracle of back bacon.

Segment 4: Promo: Stretch Your Arm; Contestants have their stretched for big money.

Segment 5: ronny Barrett's Sports; Ronny has the latest gossip about sports figures.

Segment 6: Promo: Taxi Driver with Gregory Peck; Gregory Peck is looking at you this season on SCTV.

Segment 7: Commercial: TotaControl; Control all your household appliances with one handy device.

Segment 8: Message From Guy: Announcer screws up; The announcer flubs the announcement.

Segment 9: The Sammy Maudlin Show: Bob Hope in China; (Joined in progress.) Bobby's routine, which was bombing anyway, is interrupted when Bob Hope makes a surprise walk on to plug his new special, "I Owe Peking 2,000 Dollars." He brought some outtakes. After showing the outtakes, Hope takes off. Bittman gets up to continue his routine and Danny Thomas walks on. [During the credits, Bittman calls Caballero to complain.]

Segment 10: Outtakes: The Making of "I Owe Peking 2,000 Dollars"; Bob Hope and his writers pitch some jokes to the Chinese.

Segment 1: Crazy Crafts: Bingo Drop Cans; Molly welcomes May Sparks, bingo player extraordinaire, who demonstrates the Bingo Drop Can.

Segment 2: Teaser: SCTV News

Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 13: Name That Smoke; Doug's invented a new game.

Segment 4: Promo: Tom Snyder, MD; Tom talks his way through crises.

Segment 5: SCTV News: Earl on roller skates; Earl tries to make the newscast more hip. Lead item: Togo taunts the Soviet Union. Earl accuses Floyd of not being young and hip.

Segment 6: Grizzly Abrams; Grizzly gets into trouble and his turtle goes for help.

Segment 7: Hugh Betcha's Night Gallery; Bob buys a record that takes him into the nightmare world of Night Gallery.

Segment 8: Signoff: The National Anthem; Mel Torme sings the American national anthem, soft of: "Oh say can you seebadeebadeebadeebadee, By the dawn's early, Pardon me boys is that the Chattanooga choo choo, I've got my share and the travel to spare, Oh once I built a railroad, made it run, Kept it running on time, running on time, Once I built a railroad, now it's done, Brother can you spare a, brother can you spare a, Rockets red glare, The bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still, Tall and tan and young and lovely, The girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes our flag was still there, Oh say does that star spangled babadabadanner ye-et wa-a-a-ve, For the land of the freepers creepers, where'd you get those peepers, Jeepers creepers, where'd you get that, Home of the most beautiful girl in the world, picks my tie up, she eats my candy, she drinks my brandy, In the home of the BRAVE!"

This is followed by the Canadian national anthem, as selected by Bob and Doug, a medley including Oh Canada, the GWN theme, Anne Murray, Joni Mitchell, Neil Young, Lorne Greene, Stompin' Tom and Maple Leaf Forever

Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Do It Yourself Advertising with Phil; Phil the Garment King (also of Phil's Nails) offers tips on doing your own commercials: just be yourself, prices that are easy to say, get a gimmick and keep your hands in your pockets.

Segment 2: Promo: Chick Monk, Roadie for the Defense; Chick checks levels, tapes down some cables and averts disaster in the form of a falling speaker stack.

Segment 3: Teaser: SCTV News

Segment 4: Kanadian Korner 24: Star Wars; Doug does his phaser and Darth Vader.

Segment 5: SCTV News: 4th Anniversary; Togo enters the Guinness Book of Records for the most earthquakes in a year. Earl is going to give an editorial on friendship, but first a message from their new sponsor.

Segment 6: Commercial: Mr. Earl Doll; Floyd shows just how much fun you can have with a Mr. Earl Doll, from Robertson toys.

Segment 7: SCTV News: 4th Anniversary, Part 2; Earl decides not to give his editorial.

Segment 8: Commercial: Joni Mitchell's For Dogs Only; With vocal tricks only a dog can appreciate, including "A Poodle In Paradise" and "The Last Time I Saw Rover." The two record set only $47.50, tape $88.95.

Segment 9: Bill Needle's Mailbag 3; Bill doesn't have any good mail. He editorializes about celebrities, but can't use any names for legal reasons, so he refers to them using the names of fruit. Singers thinking they are actors ('Coconut') particularly bug him.

Segment 10: Message from Guy: SCTV Premiere of Star Wars; Guy is pleased to introduce the latest Star Wars film, an SCTV exclusive. But first a message from their new sponsor.

Segment 11: Commercial: Videotech Complete Home Entertainment System; Videotech provides everything you need to enjoy and copy movies at home. They even deliver. "You'll never have to leave home again."

Segment 12: Message from Guy: SCTV Premiere of Star Wars, Part 2; Star Wars XXXIV, Return to Planet of Empires, is interrupted as it becomes obvious it is an illegal copy. Guy runs for it.

Segment 13: Dialing for Dollars: The Fly Returns to Beneath the Planet of the Apes; There is $1,050 in the jackpot and Walter makes some calls. He phones a guy who looks it up in the TV Guide. Walter hangs up on him. The guy phones back.

Segment 1: Message from Prickley: Hollywood Extras; Edith plugs the Extras special and brings in a couple of extras.

Segment 2: Commercial: Ella Fitzgerald for Mamorex Cassette Tape; Tapes so good, even Ella Fitzgerald can't tell the difference.

Segment 3: Bill Needle's Mailbag 5; Bill's show has been cut from 2 minutes to 1. He's got a letter where he's been referred to as a fruit, but he's going to continue his fight for free speech.

Segment 4: Promo: Taxi Driver with Dick Cavett; Dick Cavett is looking at you this season on SCTV.

Segment 5: Kanadian Korner 14: Exercise; The crew does the opening theme. Bob admits he doesn't know much about exercise. Doug suggests using a wolf pelt.

Segment 6: Commercial: Howard's Bristol Cream; What's wrong with asking a real man over, especially when it's for a Howard's Bristol Cream.

Segment 7: Sneak Previews; Gene and Robert review the latest Star Wars, 'Empires Are a Girl's Best Friend.'

Segment 8: Clip: Empires Are a Girl's Best Friend; Both agree it's the worst Star Wars yet. Dog of the Week is Robert Altman's Henry, based on the comic strip.

Segment 9: Clip: Henry; Gene concurs on the dog of the week.

Segment 10: Promo: Hawaii Five-Ho; Don divides his time bettween being a cop and the Lounge.

Segment 11: Hollywood Salutes Its Extras, Part 1; Another in the series on Bad Acting in Hollywood. Kirk Douglas hosts this look at extras, getting time and a half, their brushes with greatness.

Segment 12: Quint-Promo: White Man, Black Girl; White Man, Black Girl; Black Woman, White Boy; Black Man, White Man; Black Boy, White Girl; Black Woman, White Butler, Chinese kid; and Black Woman, White Man, White Boy, Black Girl Love Boat Special. All coming Thursday at nine.

Segment 13: Hollywood Salutes Its Extras, Part 2; Sid Dithers, an investor, talks about his experiences with extras. A special business extra discusses Ben Hur.

Segment 1: Men on Women: Women's Bikinis; Raoul gets going by playing the sexy theme music again. He reads some letters and talks about bikinis with his guests.

Segment 2: Message from Guy: Men on Women; Guy stands up for controversial programming like Men on Women, then Guy gets a call from his wife.

Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 15: Rolling your own with ski mitts; A crew member wanders across the set wearing a Canadiens toque. Topic: "your snowmobile has broken down, you're loaded, and now you roll your own cigarette ... while wearing ski mitts." Doug demonstrates.

Segment 4: Cooking with Marcello: Breakaway Bottles; Marcello is joined by his guest, a stunt woman, and they cook some breakaway bottles.

Segment 5: Promo: Taxi Driver with Woody Allen; Woody Allen is looking at you this season on SCTV.

Segment 6: Bill Needle's Mailbag 6; Bill's show is cut to 30 seconds, but he's still fighting.

Segment 7: Message From Guy: Irwin Allen Show; Guy introduces the Irwin Allen Show, and is interrupted by a phone call from the Lutonian Liberation Front, who have kidnapped Moe Green. Guy still won't pay their excessive (now heavily discounted) ransom.

Segment 8: The Irwin Allen Show; Irwin's guests Shelley Winters is swept away by a flash flood, Red Buttons is attacked by giant bees. Charlton Heston is crushed under debris.

Segment 1: Got a Minute with Dr. Sid Dithers; Dr. Sid eventually gets around to discussing stress.

Segment 2: Kanadian Korner 28: Mystery Guest; Doug has earmuffs over his eyes. They play name that beer.

Segment 3: Promo: Taxi Driver with Bob Hope; Bob Hope is looking at you this season on SCTV.

Segment 4: Message From Guy: The New Year; Guy reflects on the new year and what it might be like in 1984...and then passes out.

Segment 5: Message From Prickley: The New Year; Prickley is in Guy's chair reflecting on the new year and 1984.

Segment 6: SCTV New Year's Eve Party; Bobby interviews some station personalities as the countdown to 1984 begins.

Segment 7: Stand By / Telescreen Bumper / Time and Weather; Stand By..."This is Telescreen. Do not adjust. It is a crime to adjust Telescreen."

(At this point, everything is a parody of the George Orwell book '1984', with Orson Welles appearing in still images as Big Brother).

Segment 8: Komrade Kangaroo; Komrade Kangaroo makes a megaphone and uses it to eavesdrop on mommy and daddy. He then notifies Mr. Screen. Next week: Bunny Rabbit will be vaporized and stuffed to make decorations for hate week.

Segment 9: Promo: Hanging at 22:00 hours / Telescreen Bumper

Segment 10: Comrade Allen; An exercise show where Comrade Allen concentrates on touching toes.

Segment 11: Promo: Doublethink Game Show; Contestants vie for razor blades and shoe laces trying to guess whether the chocolate ration went up or down.

Segment 12: The Praise Big Brother Show; Religious talk show with Jim Bakker as host. Charlton Heston does a walk-on to the show. Before they start talking, the lights go down, and Heston announces that resistance fighters are attacking the Ministry of Love. The caption 'Thoughtcrime' appears as Heston denounces Big Brother and the Party of Oceana.

Segment 13: Message From Prickley: The New Year; Prickley wakes up from her dream and its the normal new year of 1984 without Big Brother.

Segment 14: Message From Guy: The New Year; Guy wakes up and wraps up the show.

Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Astrology with Angus Crock; Angus tells horoscopes regarding money matters.

Segment 2: Promo: Monster Chiller Horror Theatre: Georgy Girl; Count Floyd plugs Georgy Girl, and a set falls over.

Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 23: The Best Groups and Doug's Imitations; Disco sucks. Doug imitates two dogs fighting, a boat, sea gulls.

Segment 4: SCTV News: Pit Bulls; Orson Welles is trapped in a restaurant booth, Earl has a special report on pit bull fighting.

Segment 4a: Special Report: Pit Bull Fighting; Earl, in a disguise, cover a pit bull fight. The hicks discover he is a reporter. The signal is lost and they cut to Comment.

Segment 4b: Comment with David Brinkley: Bad Haircut; Brinkley wonders what the hell is wrong with his barber. Floyd still can't get through to Earl at the pit bull fight.

Segment 5: Promo: The Cruisin' Gourmet; The Gourmet tenderizes, checks that the bird is dead, and then stuffs the turkey.

Segment 6: Two-Way TV; Mr. Kessler demonstrates two-way TV. Obtain medical and banking services through your TV. Or choose the programs you watch: Wall Street Week, The Happy Hooker Goes to Hollywood, Farm Report or Leave It To Beaver. The people choose Leave It To Beaver.

Segment 7: Bill Needle's Mailbag 7; The show has been cut to 15 seconds.

Segment 8: Promo: Crazy Crafts: Ben Laberriere; Molly interviews artist Ben Laberriere, who wears a bear suit to get materials from the local dump.

Segment 9: Sermonette: Rabbi Karlov; The Rabbi (of Temple B'Nai Hill) discusses the Middle East and cooperation.

Segment 1: Commercial: Gordon Lightfoot Sings Every Song Ever Written; 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidotious,' 'Happy Birthday,' 'Good King Wenceslas,' '76 Trombones' and more, from K-Tel. Record $4.99, tape or cassette $6.99.

Segment 2: Cooking with Marcello: Vatican; Live, via the SCTV satellite, Marcello visits the Vatican and waits to tour the kitchens. He pinches the wrong girl and buys a souvenir picture of the pope. The pope gets kidnapped.

Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 18: Sports; Hockey was better when there were only 6 teams. Now it's too hard to carry around your cards. And why is Monday Night Football on Thursday?

Segment 4: Crazy Crafts: Bob; Molly has a bit of a hangover. She introduces Bob, who she met last night, and tries to figure out what she made the night before.

Segment 5: Message from Guy: Alpha Channel; Guy introduces Alpha Channel, and explains why he uses a wheelchair: "for respect."

Segment 6: Promo: Alpha Channel; The exclusive Alpha Channel goes behind the scenes to show Neil Simon working on a script, Jane Fonda's latest movie, Woody Allen's movie and Alan Alda talking to his agent.

Segment 7: Bill Needle's Mailbag 8; The show length is cut in half again, to seven and a half seconds.

Segment 8: Dialing for Dollars: Partridge Family Goes to Mars; The jackpot is 10 dollars. Walter gets a threatening phone call.

Main sketch is a combination of the film Midnight Express and the rock performance TV series The Midnight Special, hosted by Abbot and Costello, with special performances by Wolfman Jack (Rick Moranis) and Randy Newman (Dave Thomas).

Another spoof of Don Kirshner's Rock Concert hosted by Mel Slirrup. Mel's guest is actor-cum-singer Richard Harris, who performs a reworked version of his 1969 hit "Macarthur Park."

Monster Chiller Horror Theatre presents Dick Cavett where Dick (Rick Moranis) interviews Bobby Bitman (Eugene Levy); Bob and Doug are on the lam and talk about cops in Alberta.