Episode list

Segment 1: SCTV Editorial: The New Season; Moe introduces the new season. Good news--their license is no longer suspended. Caballero phones: there's a problem, the writer hasn't finished the scripts.

Segment 2: Ernest Kirsch, SCTV Writer; Caballero pesters Kirsch for the scripts. First on-camera appearance of Guy Caballero (ina wheelchair that has a phone).

Segment 3: Promo: Lola Heatherton In Concert; The beautiful, dynamic, multi-talented Lola in concert this Saturday. ("So Glad to Be Here," "You Light Up My Life") "I want to bear all your children!"

Segment 4: Promo: Love Craft; A rich American divorced lady and her daughter take a cruise aboard the Love Craft. She may fly the Greek flag, but the comedy is international. ("You want special? Toast that kaiser!")

Segment 5: Commercial: Water Spray from Pocketpic; Great new device for cleaning teeth. "Smile again."

Segment 6: SCTV News: Informal chit-chat; Earl tries to lighten the newscast with chit-chat. Floyd has an item on mudslides in Togo and Tarzan accepting the help of mercenaries, and gets Earl to cut back on the chit-chat.

Segment 7: Words to Live By with Rev. Ernest Kirsch; Kirsch tries to end the programming day a little early. Caballero calls him up and orders him back to his basement.

Segment 8: The Incredible Bulk; At his psychiatrist's office, Bulk meets a woman he can relate to.

Segment 9: Commercial: Moxwell House Decaffeinated Coffee; The stock boy has trouble stacking tins of juice.

Segment 10: Feedback with Moe Green; Moe has a call-in show. He solicits feedback on the new season, and is forced to make some calls instead.

Segment 11: Ernest Kirsch SCTV Writer, Part 2; Caballero pursues Kirsch to get those scripts. Caballero signs off.

Segment 1: Promo: Monster chiller Horror Theatre: The House of Cats; Count Floyd shows Some clips from the three-dimensional semi-classic. Floyd is selling the 3D glasses for 27 bucks.

Segment 2: Clip: Dr. Tongue's 3D House of Cats; Dr. Tongue transforms women into cats. (The 3D technique is not quite perfected at this point.)

Segment 3: SCTV Sports Central: Desert Classic; Coverage of the Bob Hope Desert Classic begins with some background on Bob's golf career.

Segment 4: Commercial: Delay; Have your headache when you want it.

Segment 5: Betty Bain: Professional Juror; Betty takes jury duty seriously, sacrificing her family life.

Segment 6: Promo: Masterpiece Theatre: Naughty Chambermaids; Alistair's introduction is interrupted by a walk on by Bob Hope plugging his special.

Segment 7: Bob Hope Desert Classic; Bob and Lou host this star-studded golfing event. Begin has a bad lie, and argues with Arafat. King Fahud shows Lola how to hold her putter. Charlton Heston helps Golda chip through a pipeline. Arafat occupies the 12th hole, while Begin takes the 13th fairway. Lou gets lost off the 18th hole.

Segment 1: SCTV Editorial: Lutonian Liberation Front Moe Green declares publicly that he won't back down to threats from the Lutonian Liberation Front.

Segment 2: Donna: Barbara Streisberg Joined in progress. Donna's guest Barbara Streisberg tries to song a song.

Segment 3: Promo: Master Sergeant Chef The sergeant prepares dinner for the ambassador and his party.

Segment 4: SCTV News: Moe Green Kidnapped An outbreak of Legionnaire's disease breaks out in Hawaii; Plattsburg cleanup; and Earl keeps forgetting the Moe Green kidnapping item: he's been kidnapped by Leftists For Lutonia. To finish, Earl gives an editorial about the kidnapping.

Segment 5: Commercial: Cup 'n Soup The cup you cook up with the soup.

Segment 6: Petty Claims Court Various petty people make petty claims to the bailiff.

Segment 7: Commercial: Linkin Mercury Dali Edition Dali abandons function for concept.

Segment 8: Commercial: K-Tel Salvador Dali Car Stash Wax Save the mustache on your Linkin Mercury Dali Edition car.

Segment 9: Promo: SCTV Movie of the Week: Nice Kids from Hell Some nice kids terrorize the neighborhood.

Segment 10: SCTV News Bulletin: Message from Moe Green A tape from Moe Green has arrived after SCTV refused to pay the excessive $2,000 ransom. Earl and Floyd discuss it.

SCTV writers go on strike, leaving everyone on their own.

Segment 1: Commercial: Johnny LaRue for City Council Johnny makes his pitch for city council, and he denies that he's gay. Paid for by the Sicilian Homophile Society.

Segment 2: Promo: The Silly Bastard Andrew travels to England to find his real father.

Segment 3: SCTV Election Central, Part 1: Highlights from The Great Debate SCTV News coverage of the election begins with some highlights of the debate between candidates. Early returns come in with LaRue far behind.

Segment 4: Clip of The Great Debate Earl, Johnny's campaign manager, is the moderator. Jack wants to face the ultimate political confrontation, Shirley wants a political theater, and Johnny proposes a bird sanctuary/casino.

Segment 5: Promo One Is Enough When you're Barbie Somers, one is definitely enough.

Segment 6: Commercial: Moxwell House Decaffeinated Coffee The stock boy has trouble stacking tins of juice.

Segment 7: SCTV Election Central, Part 2: Statistics Earl has some election statistics.

Segment 8: Commercial: Career Home Study The next time you buy some matches, don't just pick your teeth with them.

Segment 9: SCTV Election Central, Part 3: LaRue's Speech Earl is at Johnny's campaign headquarters to get Johnny's reaction to his defeat (he's bitter). Note: Johnny's slogan is "Legalize LaRue."

Segment 1: SCTV 30th Anniversary Show, Part 1 The evening's hosts are introduced, and Earl and Floyd start things off by introducing an excerpt from a 1952 hearing featuring Earl's dad.

Segment 2: 1952 Hearing on Un-American Activities, Earl's dad rats on his grandmother.

Segment 3: Commercial: Palmoval, With special acid-based compounds to burn away grease.

Segment 4: SCTV 30th Anniversary Show, Part 2 Lin Ye Tang and Johnny LaRue introduce excerpts of classic westerns that were canceled by the FCC for excessive violence.

Segment 5: Film Clip: Yellowbelly

Segment 6: Film Clip: The Old Texas Rangers

Segment 7: Film Clip: Liverboat

Segment 8: Commercial: Delay Have your headache when you want it.

Segment 9: SCTV 30th Anniversary Show, Part 3 Cheryl Kinsey and Lola Heatherton introduce the classic panel show "What's My Showsize?"

Segment 10: What's My Shoesize? Panelists fail to guess the shoe size of contestant Barry Stubing (size 16).

Segment 11: SCTV 30th Anniversary Show, Conclusion

Segment 1: The Sammy Maudlin Show: On the Waterfront Again, Part 1 Sammy and William B. exchange compliments. Sammy welcomes Edith, who plugs bobby Bittman's latest movie before rushing off. (Note: one of the few that doesn't start 'already in progress.')

Segment 2: Commercial: Chet Vet the Dead Pet Remover Chet will remove your dead pet. No animal too small or too large.

Segment 3: Commercial: LaRue Toys Having received complaints about his toys, safety is the motto for LaRue's latest toy, Jessie the sponge.

Segment 4: The Sammy Maudlin Show: On the Waterfront Again, Part 2 Bobby Bittman plugs his latest film, which he directed, and shows a clip from the movie. After the clip, Sammy brings out Bobby's co-star, Lola Heatherton.

Segment 5: Clip: On the Waterfront Again Terry and his girlfriend find his brother hanging from a stevedore's hook. (Note: On the Waterfront Again is a parody of the 1954 film, On the Waterfront.)

Segment 6: Commercial: Evelyn Wolf School of Speed Eating and LaRue's Speed Drinking Book Don't loiter over your meals. Special bonus: Johnny LaRue's Speed Drinking book.

Segment 7: The Sammy Maudlin Show: On the Waterfront Again, Part 3 Bobby Bittman shows another clip. After the clip, Lin Ye Tang, the only man who could hang on a stevedore's hook and act the part of really being dead, comes out. Bobby quips that good acting does not have to take a back seat to race, creed or color. Sammy sums up by saying these three prove to us all that, if you apply yourself, anybody, no matter how bad, can act.

Segment 8: Clip: On the Waterfront Again Charlie tried to convince Terry not to testify.

Meet a woman raised by geese. Two restaurant sketches. Raoul Wilson teaches sleazy relaxation techniques.