1991

S3.E1 ∙ The Secret Diary of David Porter

Mon, Sep 06, 1993

Cleaning David's cluttered room Bill discovers his secret diary which recounts past events in the Porters' lives - how Bill,setting up her own catering business with Rona,almost came to blows with a prostitute after putting a card in a newsagent's window,how Bette's sister Belle locked herself in her flat refusing to come out for Bill or soppy social worker Mo until Bette came round to patch up a long-running family feud and how Rona's gay brother visited,taking a shine to Ben as he liked fat men,Rona eventually forgiving Adam for stealing one of her boy-friends. Ultimately Bill discovers the real secret hidden in the cupboard with her son's diary - and it is scary.

7.8 /10

S3.E2 ∙ When the Children Are Asleep

Mon, Sep 13, 1993

Late at night Bill and Ben see a car speeding away from the house next door. Believing that Leonard and Dora Grimes are away on holiday Bill assumes that burglars have been at work and phones the police with the car's registration number. No police turn up though the Porters sit up all night,Bill reporting the car's number to a local radio phone-in.Next day the radio broadcasts the news that a car with that number plate,belonging to television repair men has been besieged and attacked. They go back to bed unaware that the grimes have been robbed and tied up all night.

7.6 /10

S3.E3 ∙ Badger's Bend

Mon, Sep 20, 1993

With custom falling Ben has become addicted to the Ninja Badgers video game and Bill makes him go cold turkey to break the addiction. Fortunately watching a goldfish David brings home does the trick. Rona attends her old Catholic school to drum up trade for the catering business,lying to an old school-mate about being a respectable charity worker. When the formidable Sister Virtue tells her that liars will burn in Hell she fears she may have unleashed a curse. And she is right. A man dressed as a giant badger to advertise a pet shop has his car stolen from outside the Porters' house and when he arrives at the door it so flusters Ben he accidentally kills the goldfish.

7.6 /10

S3.E4 ∙ Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

Mon, Sep 27, 1993

Bill and Rona are catering for a wedding reception and Jenny agrees to help but,having just split with Jason,she is depressed and careless and drops things. Christine also assists but is short-tempered and abrasive as ever. Rona has good luck though when she spots the handsome DJ Tony and decides he is going to be the father of her child. Tina crashes in,upset as she suspects Brian of having an affair. Bill rings the mysterious number on his mobile phone and speaks to the other woman but lies to Tina to spare her feelings. However Tina soon learns the truth. Jenny gets back with Jason but Bill's trying day does not end when she gets home and finds Ben,locked out of the house after forgetting his key,has taken out the bedroom window.

8.1 /10

S3.E5 ∙ Beam Me Up, Scotty

Mon, Oct 04, 1993

Ben's hears that his biggest rival in the plumbing trade,Jake the Klingon,has died and with no family has charged Ben with being the executor of his will and planning a lavish funeral with a Star Trek theme. At the same time Bill gets a visit from a health inspector who tells her that her kitchen is not up to standard so she and Rona go to see personal banker Dawn,who - in her irritating sing-song voice - once more tells Bill that no loan will be forthcoming. After a disastrous funeral Ben learns that Jake is actually alive and had made the demands to humiliate him. He decides that the family needs a holiday and,putting the Chevy up as collateral,books a flight to Miami.

7.8 /10

S3.E6 ∙ Whoopee, We're All Going to Die

Mon, Oct 11, 1993

The Porters are enjoying their holiday at Key West when they see on the Weather Channel that Hurricane Bill is approaching so they flee to Miami,staying in a cramped motel full of other hurricane refugees. When the power goes down they expect the worst and spend the night huddled in a cupboard,where Jenny announces that she and Jason are engaged. Next morning the family emerges to discover that the hurricane changed course and missed Miami completely. Back home Rona's attempts to seduce Tony lead to his telling her that he does not want to father a child but is happy to be her boyfriend.

7.8 /10

S3.E7 ∙ Babes in the Wood

Sun, Dec 19, 1993

On Christmas Eve the Porters and Rona set out to meet Bette and Pearl at a hotel but get lost in the fog and are nervous when they hear on the radio about an escaped criminal. They make their way to a deserted old house and one by one the three adults set off to get help but never return. Next morning the children find them,stuck in the middle of a minefield,requiring David to guide them to safety. The two old ladies meanwhile have got stoned on some strange tobacco they have found. On Christmas morning everybody returns to the Porters' house,transformed into a 1950s Hollywood film set for a group rendition of 'Home For the Holidays'.

7.9 /10