- Graham Chapman
- Brother / Policeman / Defence attorney / British pedestrian / Mr. Harrison (Apricot) / The Colonel / 'Hell's Grannies' policeman / Jimmy Blankensop / Sir Edward Ross / Restaurant patron #1 / Letter Writer / Oliver St. John Mollusk / Mountie / Town Guild Lady
- John Cleese
- Announcer / Hungarian Citizen / Self-Defence Teacher / Sir George Head / Policeman / Interviewer / Mr. Praline / Second General / Christopher Columbus / Mungo the Cook / Bank Robber / Accountant #2 (falling past the window) / Vocational Guidance Counselor / Vivian Smith Smythe Smith / Mountie / Town Guild Lady
- Terry Gilliam
- Self-Defence Nun / Flasher / Uncle Sam / Caterpillar Man / Sign Holder / Conrad Poohs
- Eric Idle
- Prosecutor / Marriage Counselor / Arthur Nudge / Self-defence student #4 (interested in pointed sticks) / 'Hell's Grannies' analyst / Arthur Wilson / Arthur Wilson Two / Nightclub Emcee / Linkman / First General / Restaurant Manager / Lingerie Shop Owner / Accountant #1 (falling past the window) / Fairy Godmother / Rita Fairbanks / Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris / Mountie / Lady With Cookbook
- Terry Jones
- Stage Manager / Tobacconist / 2nd Hungarian Man / Squire / Self-defence student #3 / Tenant #1 / Flasher / Mouse Organist Ken Ewing / Fat Soldier / Waiter / Nude Organist / Brian / Nigel Incubator Jones
- Michael Palin
- Gumby / Man with tape recorder / Phrasebook Author / Arthur Pewtey / Second self - defence student / Second Tenant / Lost His Wallet / Shrill Petrol Announcer / Milkman / Ernest Scribbler / Pet shop employee / Lumberjack / Headwaiter Gilberto / Herbert Anchovy / Blackmail Presenter / Gervais Brookhamster / Town Guild Lady
- Carol Cleveland
- Deirdre Pewtey / Storyteller / Milkman Collector / Restaurant Patron #2 / Elspeth
- Connie Booth
- Bluenose / Voice of Self-Defence Nun / Best Girl
- Lewis Alexander
- Man in Restaurant
- Artur Axmann
- Self - Leader of the Hitler Youth
- Michael Buck
- Guard
- Rodney Cardiff
- Sound Man
- Neville Chamberlain
- Self - with Munich Accord
- Winston Churchill
- Self
- The Fred Tomlinson Singers
- Themselves
- Adolf Hitler
- Self - Speech to RAD, from T.d.W.
- Lesley Judd
- Distraught Mother
- King George VI
- Self
- Roy Lansford
- Man in Bar
- Richard Nixon
- Self
- Harry Phipps
- Milkman
- Monty Python
- Themselves
- Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother
- Self
- Fred Wood
- Beggar
